Happy 4th...moving forward.

A friend texted me this morning and asked how I am? Hmmm...I dont know how I am.  So much going through my head the past few weeks.  We are seeking Gods direction in our church family.  Dear friends of our family have been on my heart and in my prayers because of changes happening in their lives.  We are going through our own preteen battles with our oldest son, Jared. And then there is the daily stuff. Life just keeps going on.  Which makes me think of the emails I've recieved the past few days from Grief Share.  They have been about life going on and moving forward with God.  Just thinking of those words...You cant go back. You cant stay here.  You must move forward.  These are words I dont want to hear.  Words I have resisted over and over since April 27th, 2010.  I want nothing more than to go back, to change the past.  I have longed to go back and live in those moments, holding my baby girl in my arms.  Hearing her laugh, reliving life when our family was whole.  I have tried very hard to stay, yet here I am, moving forward with life.  My heavenly Father has lovingly and patiently led me forward, despite my inability to take a step on my own.  With my eyes fixed on the eternal (2 Cor. 4:16, 18) each day the task is to stay focused on Jesus.  My heart is still broken, the grief still overcomes me like a tidal wave and I still drift from denial to times of despair and doubts.  I think of King David, who had such a heart for God and even he had to deal with these emotions (Psalm 22:1..."My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?") How am I today?  I am focused on Jesus Christ, focused on Jesus Christ, focused on Jesus Christ.  An intentional minute by minute choice to be made each day. 

Holidays 2010

Well, I should probably wait for a better day to make an entry but i never know when that day is going to be anymore.  Somehow we made it through Christmas.  It was likely the biggest blessing ever that I was too sick to care for the past four days.  Christmas morning was so much quieter, so sad this year.  Even Jayda, who got her gifts, played with them for about 20 minutes and then asked if she could go lay on my bed and watch a movie. So, I was sitting there thinking.  Christmas this year, without Jenna meant 10 less gifts under the tree.  One less black trash bag to dispose of all the wrapping and boxes into.  The absence of her squeals and gasps when each person opened their gifts this year was deafening.  And seeing my 2 year old looking lost amidst her presents, no one to share them with, no one to play with her, well, my heart was broken all over again. 

The thought of moving to a new year, 2011, a year she is not here with me is something I dread.  I seriously need God to carry me, I cannot see my feet in front of me it is so dark right now.  I know I'm supposed to do something, I just don't know what to do or how to do it.  It feels like life has just stopped and I don't know how to restart it or if I want to restart it.  I don't know what is going to happen with this house.  It feels lately like every corner we turn there is a wall.  Only God knows.  Heavenly Father, hear my cries, hold my heart please carry me.

Random thoughts...

It's been several days since I've been here.  Last week got kind of busy.  I pushed through some things that I've been avoiding.  For instance, Friday was the first time I've stepped out on the deck by the pool since the day i carried Jenna from the pool to the house to call 911 and try to resuscitate her.  Saturday I sat by the hot tub and walked up those very steps I walked up that awful day.  If it wasn't for all the people around from the party with our church family and the busyness that went along with it, I surely would have had a breakdown.  Thursday and Friday were the first real time I've spent in the ballroom; decorating it and cleaning it since the funeral.  With all that said, I
 think I did fairly okay getting through those things without making a scene.  At the party and right now I just feel overwhelmingly sad.  I miss my daughter sooo much.  Jayda and I went to garage sales on Saturday morning.  The last time I went to garage sales was two weekends before Jenna died.  She loved going to garage sales, sifting through stuff, looking for a treasure. The past couple of days, shopping for winter clothes for the kids; the habit of looking for two of the same item in the girls section for the girls to wear, when the realization sets in that one of my babies is gone. Today Jayda and I were in Bealls Outlet looking for jeans for Jacob when we saw some little angel knick knacks.  Jayda said "look mommy angels!  I really miss my sister".  I wish I could go back to the past and change the reality of now for her.

It seems like there is a pattern occurring with this grief.  Despite the constant feeling of sadness and loss, there are periods of pushing through it and functioning okay, then its like a tidal wave coming in the distance, I'm aware of the breakdown coming but I try to keep going.  It's during that time that I seem to disconnect from everyone.  I try to carry on as normal, act like I'm involved in what someone is saying or doing, all the while my actions are disconnected from my mind.  I have little recollection of what is going on around me, just going through the motions, all the while fully aware there is a tidal wave headed my way and I'm just trying to get as much done as I can, hoping to avoid it for as long as possible.  And then it hits, full force and I spend the next however long it takes just crying, full of regret, and asking God why and asking God to carry me and speed this up.  I'm afraid this tidal wave will kill me and I'm even more afraid it wont kill me. Today the tidal wave is at the shore line. 

The wrestling in my mind that Jenna did not live a day beyond what she was supposed to.  Here on earth, she was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, she was never going to take ballet this year, we were never going to return to Disney world with her, or go camping with her, we were never going to plan her wedding or go on a mission trip together. The fact that it is futile for me to maintain these regrets, that God is sovereign.  These are things I struggle to wrap my mind around.  Father God, please help me with my unbelief.  Please give me peace in my heart and help me to just trust, knowing you are faithful and you are sovereign. 

Okay, i need to have a good memory before i close this.  The moment Jenna was born and was placed face down on my chest and she picked her head up (yes a newborn, she picked her head up) and looked right at me.  I will never forget that image.  I love her and miss her so much. 
   

Tuesday

Not really much to write today. Just sad.  I miss my sweet Jenna so much.  wish I could hear her laugh and her sweet little voice telling me how she likes princesses and flowers and hearts and how she loves Jayda and me.   

How thin is the veil between us?  I do believe she is in heaven.  And then I constantly doubt that belief. What if I'm wrong?  God, please help me with my unbelief.  How long til the pain of this broken heart is finally healed once and for all?

I love you my sweet Jenna, I am counting the days until I am with you and this pain is gone and there is only the sound of your laughter.

Here we go...

Here we go...first day of blogging.  Up until now I've been jotting down my thoughts and heart ache in a journal whenever i get a moment to write.  Thought I'd try a blog.  Just doing this for me, to track my journey and force myself to be honest and transparent in the painful aftermath of Jenna's death.

Life, for me, seems to exist somewhere between the physical pain that comes with grief and the unwillingness to accept the fact that my precious baby girl is no longer here, with me.  The everyday things I miss sharing with her. Longing to hear her voice, smell her skin, hold her little hands, paint her little nails.  Her sweet voice.  I would give anything to hear her laugh, to hear her tell me she loves me.  to feel her hug me. 

This morning I ate breakfast in the dining room with the chandelier on.  I remember how Jenna loved to eat her meals in 'the princess dining room' with the beautiful chandelier all lit up.  She was a true princess from the start and IS a true princess even now in the presence of her father the king.

Today, I'm reminded of Psalm 107:13 - I cry to you, Lord, in my trouble.  Save me from my distress.  God, please comfort my aching heart.