Random thoughts...

It's been several days since I've been here.  Last week got kind of busy.  I pushed through some things that I've been avoiding.  For instance, Friday was the first time I've stepped out on the deck by the pool since the day i carried Jenna from the pool to the house to call 911 and try to resuscitate her.  Saturday I sat by the hot tub and walked up those very steps I walked up that awful day.  If it wasn't for all the people around from the party with our church family and the busyness that went along with it, I surely would have had a breakdown.  Thursday and Friday were the first real time I've spent in the ballroom; decorating it and cleaning it since the funeral.  With all that said, I
 think I did fairly okay getting through those things without making a scene.  At the party and right now I just feel overwhelmingly sad.  I miss my daughter sooo much.  Jayda and I went to garage sales on Saturday morning.  The last time I went to garage sales was two weekends before Jenna died.  She loved going to garage sales, sifting through stuff, looking for a treasure. The past couple of days, shopping for winter clothes for the kids; the habit of looking for two of the same item in the girls section for the girls to wear, when the realization sets in that one of my babies is gone. Today Jayda and I were in Bealls Outlet looking for jeans for Jacob when we saw some little angel knick knacks.  Jayda said "look mommy angels!  I really miss my sister".  I wish I could go back to the past and change the reality of now for her.

It seems like there is a pattern occurring with this grief.  Despite the constant feeling of sadness and loss, there are periods of pushing through it and functioning okay, then its like a tidal wave coming in the distance, I'm aware of the breakdown coming but I try to keep going.  It's during that time that I seem to disconnect from everyone.  I try to carry on as normal, act like I'm involved in what someone is saying or doing, all the while my actions are disconnected from my mind.  I have little recollection of what is going on around me, just going through the motions, all the while fully aware there is a tidal wave headed my way and I'm just trying to get as much done as I can, hoping to avoid it for as long as possible.  And then it hits, full force and I spend the next however long it takes just crying, full of regret, and asking God why and asking God to carry me and speed this up.  I'm afraid this tidal wave will kill me and I'm even more afraid it wont kill me. Today the tidal wave is at the shore line. 

The wrestling in my mind that Jenna did not live a day beyond what she was supposed to.  Here on earth, she was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, she was never going to take ballet this year, we were never going to return to Disney world with her, or go camping with her, we were never going to plan her wedding or go on a mission trip together. The fact that it is futile for me to maintain these regrets, that God is sovereign.  These are things I struggle to wrap my mind around.  Father God, please help me with my unbelief.  Please give me peace in my heart and help me to just trust, knowing you are faithful and you are sovereign. 

Okay, i need to have a good memory before i close this.  The moment Jenna was born and was placed face down on my chest and she picked her head up (yes a newborn, she picked her head up) and looked right at me.  I will never forget that image.  I love her and miss her so much.