Well, I should probably wait for a better day to make an entry but i never know when that day is going to be anymore. Somehow we made it through Christmas. It was likely the biggest blessing ever that I was too sick to care for the past four days. Christmas morning was so much quieter, so sad this year. Even Jayda, who got her gifts, played with them for about 20 minutes and then asked if she could go lay on my bed and watch a movie. So, I was sitting there thinking. Christmas this year, without Jenna meant 10 less gifts under the tree. One less black trash bag to dispose of all the wrapping and boxes into. The absence of her squeals and gasps when each person opened their gifts this year was deafening. And seeing my 2 year old looking lost amidst her presents, no one to share them with, no one to play with her, well, my heart was broken all over again.
The thought of moving to a new year, 2011, a year she is not here with me is something I dread. I seriously need God to carry me, I cannot see my feet in front of me it is so dark right now. I know I'm supposed to do something, I just don't know what to do or how to do it. It feels like life has just stopped and I don't know how to restart it or if I want to restart it. I don't know what is going to happen with this house. It feels lately like every corner we turn there is a wall. Only God knows. Heavenly Father, hear my cries, hold my heart please carry me.
